In filling out some paperwork lately, I’ve had to check the famous box of “divorced”. I wondered if the paperwork/application police would come looking for me if I had checked the box “Single”. Am I really single if I am not married again? Maybe… but for a fact, I am divorced.
Men, Learn the stages of grief and help your pre/post divorce therapy.
With divorce came a lot of frustration, disappointment, and yep, embarrassment. There are very few things in life that I had failed at… but when you get a divorce, man…. you feel like a failure.
Maybe you feel like a failure because:
- You not only chose this person in front of God, but in front of your friends and family. You gave it your all… sometimes, in all honesty, you even chose this person instead of friends and some family. Let’s be real.
- You feel like you wasted time sometimes. Time can never be regained. Maybe money… Maybe cars…. but not time.
Divorce has been associated with grieving through the stages of death (unfamiliar ? make yourself familiar… you owe it to yourself and it applies in so many scenarios. Really it does: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/):
- Denial: WTF… can this or DID this really happen to me? This can’t happen to me. I am too cool… too committed… too great of a person… I am SHOCKED as hell that this happened. HMMMM…..
- Anger: Where are you God? Come down here and let me tell you how mad I am at you. Oh, and you really are letting my Ex have all that fun on her Instagram and Facebook and I am miserable AF? Man, I am mad and angry at the time and money and effort …. WOOF! It’s gone! There is SO much pain right now. Man, I could just break this brick wall. (Or so I think. )
- Bargaining: God… if you just fix this, I will never…. Yep, you may go through this. The key is to make deals with the devil nor sell your soul when you are bargaining. That can happen.
- Depression: My Dad used to call and joke with me. Maybe it was not a joke. But he would say, “…hey son… just calling to make sure you are not going to jump off a bridge today. ” Depression is a bitch. And that was his own way of telling me through his losses in life that, hey…. you are going to be low… and maybe his jokes of me jumping off bridges were off color. But he knew in his own way that depression would be a big part of the grief process.
- Acceptance: I accepted the reality of my situation. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” . Wow. Accepting the reality of a situation means, no more arguments. No more punishing myself by putting my own nose in my own shi@#$%^*)I(*(&&. It means, here is the reality and how do I live the rest of my life now that I’ve accepted this reality. LIFE IS NOT OVER.
Today, I need you to do a few things. Ready for your list? Here it goes.
- Determine where you are in your relationship. Is your relationship peachy? If so, read this article as an FYI if you and your Mrs. take a turn. Are you headed for divorce? Get some help, but just know where you are. Be honest.
- If you are already losing a relationship, find out which phase of Grief you are in the above steps. You may not experience them in order and they can be cyclical. Trust me. But at least being HONEST with yourself and saying, hey, I am depressed today, will help you immerse yourself in where you are.
Once you do those two things, then you are going to put yourself WAY ahead of others in your same predicament.
And understand that knowing your reality, places you in a position to drive the rest of your life forward… including your job, your career, finances, buying new cars, dating new women, taking care of your kids, and most importantly, taking care of God’s physical, mental, and spiritual temple… YOU.
I stand at your service.